Level 2+
WWW: There are a lot of positives here; huge amount of research and plenty of good quotes. However...
EBI: You don't answer you own question! The majority of the essay is on the representation of women rather than men. I wonder if changing your title to gender in R&B would be the best way to proceed. Topic sentences need work; you need to ensure the paragraph is focused on the question and doesn't drift off. Don't start a paragraph with a quote.
Original Topic Question: Blurred Lines: How are males represented in R&B music?
Changed Topic Question: Blurred Lines: How are gender roles represented in R&B music?
Aim for second draft: Level 3+
Firstly I would change my topic question as majority of the essay is not focused on my topic which is the representation of men in R&B however as I have focused more on the opposite gender females, I am considering of changing the question as 'Blurred Lines - How are genders in R&B music represented'. Secondly I need to improve my English skills and rewrite topic sentences to make the essay sound more professional and well written for a higher grade, this also includes completing each paragraph without drifting off the topic. Furthermore I have researched a huge amount of quotes and have placed them in the wrong paragraphs such as starting a paragraph of with a quote, this all needs to be changed or embedded in my own words. I have not explained my historical paragraph very well therefore needs to be re-written and structured properly using the P.E.E method which will help me get my point across more clearly. Lastly as I have focused on the representation of females mostly, I need to re think the structure of my essay and add in examples using my primary and secondary text. I also need to include theorists as I have not mentioned many throughout the essay.
BFI Library Wish List:
- Key theorists that relate to gender representation.
- More evidence of male representation in R&B music as I'll be comparing both gender roles.
- S.H.E.P aspects in R&B music.
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